This is Me

Please understand this…

Bad chapters can still create great stories, wrong paths can lead to the right places. Failed dreams can still create successful people but sometimes it takes losing yourself to find yourself…

You just need to find you again and not let go because your always one decision away from a totally different life, but sometimes you just want to go home but nowhere feels like home anymore and it's an awful feeling since you have.

Come this far… dug the dark from your soul and can rise above again and walk around like your mistakes and things that have happened to you isn't written all over your face.

It's amazing how it's so easy for people to say “just let it go” it has taken years to even work myself up to the point to even think about letting go or forgiveness… I've been told “let go and let God” where was God when I needed him the most? Oh, you got to have faith, where is my faith? I lost it a long time ago. This book is about my life and the story I want to tell you to clear my conscience and relieve the burden from my soul because it's too much on my heart.

The darkness is the light I walked inn for a long period of time, and this is where it starts…

Maybe it's not about how long you look at the family photos wishing there was still someone to talk to that used to be here before to pour out your heart and feelings and know they will understand because they have felt the exact same pain you feel… I really do wish heaven had visiting hours maybe I won't freak out like I do I'm my dreams because I just can't come to terms with it…

Everyone seems so happy except our family photo. I think my mother was the only one that tried to halfway smile for the split second it look to take a quick snapshot of 5 unruly children at the local Kmart before she was ready to sit in a corner and rub shit in her hair… apparently I was frowning in the photograph because my brother and I had been running in and out of the clothes racks and my grandfather frowned upon making an ass of yourself in public especially on his dime and he lit my ass up, needless to say I had to wear sunglasses to sleep and also the only one he ever gave me since he favored me the most, and I thought I was frowning from the chapped lip I had but I couldn't have helped… I chalked it up to one ass whipping I just don't remember until my mother told me when I was older he was a scary man… but he wasn't that way with me.

He always used to sit me in his knee and ask me “sissy what are you listening to”? I'd say Tanya Tucker which was my idol all I did was walk around with a Walkman blaring in my ears walking around the campground listening to music all day long until I ran that damn thin dead with a pocket full of batteries needless to say I was prepared and had multiple tapes in all my pockets and he would always say “what do you want to be when you want to grow up”? I'd always say “A country music star” and he'd say me and you are going to get dressed up and go honky honkin and give me a hug, that is the best memory I have of him when life was simpler… I think people make the mistake of trying to find their way back to the person they were before bad things and tragedy struck their lives but what you need to make room in your life to create a new and better you and you will see it will be the best thing.

It look me a long time to realize this but this is the only term I've learned to face since I'm a person who absolutely hates change….. (Time passes by people by people pass on at the drop of a tear they're gone, lets do what we dare do what we like and love while we're here before time passes by….. Kathy Mattea)

by Kathryn Lowdermilk

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